Welcome to my live review of JONAH HEX #37. That’s right, I will be reviewing this book LIVE as I read it. To be honest, I picked JONAH HEX because this issue looks terrible. You have three crudely drawn (sorry Jordi Bernet) vixens sexing up the cover. It looks like they got the drop on Jonah using their feminine whiles (boobs).
The book starts off with Jonah sitting at a campfire with an old coot who’s pretty heavy into his backwoods annunciation. I forget what he was complaining about (like I just read it), something about babies and “times is hard”. Somebody ambushes them and Jonah shoots one of them, but then he leaves the other three alive??? WTF??? Jonah Hex is DC’s Punisher! These guys should be dead.
Enter the three heroines. It looks like they’re part of some circus act and they’re being screwed over by the owner. They tell him to “PLANK UP” the money he owes them or they’ll walk. He replies that if they don’t leave him alone, he’ll “put the three of ya across my knee and WAKE THE SNAKES” (I feel kinda dirty reading this).
Holy crap! He just smashed Daisy’s face! And now they’re attacking him! And what the plank does “Bi Dose” mean (it sounds sexy)??? Oh, there you go! Not five pages into the book and already they’re attacking his manhood. Then the women race off into the night, only to turn up the next day and bust out the three stooges Jonah Hex apprehended at the beginning??? What in tarnation? Oh! I get it, they’s kin.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t one of the three girls from the circus. It was a different girl (that’s what happens when you draw iconic characters and everyone looks the same). No, OUR three heroines ride past the fugitives and on into town where they find the sheriff tied up. Before you can say “bondage fantasy” they untie him and he pretends not to notice their cartoony bosoms.
Oh, I get it. The one girl is Asian. That’s why she doesn’t use conjunctive verbs. The sheriff runs off to gather some men while the girls offer to go get Jonah. But they’re not going to get Jonah. Because they’ve decided to go after the fugitives themselves. They know they can’t lie to Jonah; he’d see right through that. That’s when one of them volunteers to seduce Jonah Hex with her fun jugs. If he falls for this I am SO going to through this comic book across the room.
HOLY #$^%&!!! He fell for it! They have sex, scarred face and all. She hits him on the head and he wakes up tied to a chair. And before you can say “bom-chikka-bow-wow!” the girl is gone and Jonah escapes and heads after them.
The bad guys have caught a stage full of money and witnesses to their previous crimes. They are in the middle of negotiations as our villains don’t seem to like killin’ (yeah, I just groaned myself). We cut to our heroines who are watching the bad guys and suddenly Jonah Hex appears with the girl who seduced him, all tied-up and over his shoulder. And before you can say “Thank you, Sir. May I please have another?”, the Asian lady attacks him with her bird. And before you can say “crazy Japanese porn”, it turns out the bird is an eagle that she has trained to be her trusty sidekick.
You have to be kidding me! “Penelope Pitstop” just fell off a cliff and is hanging from the only root/branch for miles around. Jonah lowers a whip to her and tells her to “nice an’ slow, start pulling.” And before you can “group hug” they all join together in pursuit of the fugitives…who they don’t catch???
Finally, Jonah meets up with the aforementioned “old coot” from the beginning and (you gotta be kidding me) gives him the money the fugitives had stolen and hid away. Why would he even do that??? And how would he know where the money was if he never caught the badguys??? And how long has he known where it was??? Oh God, I’m never going to get back the last 20 minutes! Never! I should really #^*)ing go and stick my head in my oven! Like REALLY!
Don’t be alarmed. I’m sure I won’t do anything like that. And I probably have an electric oven anyway. This is how I normally react to most comics. But there are cool comics out there and by “THERE”, I mean Bent Wookee Comix located at 127 Fairfield Avenue in the West End section of Johnstown. See ya there!